Once again, I had a dream....
I woke up from this one excited... I might be on to something here... I was at a cousin's house, Erica, who doesn't exist. But it's probably a mashup of Lisa and Eric, who do exist, and happen to be Lynn's cousins...
Anyway, Erica had attended a Van Halen Concert to which she brought home a book that looked like one of my grade school yearbooks... It was filled with pictures (black and white, of course) of Eddie, Alex, and the gang. It had a sturdy yellow cover (that was straight out of the 80s) and extra pages in the back for friends to sign. Which I think is absolutely genius... So that guy you shared a doobie with during Eruption could leave his John Hancock so you would never forget getting high with an absolute stranger. Why don't bands do this in real life?
So in my dream, I'm thumbing through the book and get to the end. Of the 6 or 8 pages for signatures, she had quite a few friends put ink to paper... I couldn't make them out and I didn't read them (or I can't remember them) but they all looked like a typical yearbook signing. If I could have read them, I imagine they would read something like this:
Thank you for passing the duchie on the left hand side. I too am afflicted with glaucoma. (winky-face emoji) Do you want to go in on a plate of fries with me later? Stay sweet this summer! Hope to see you at Aerosmith!
- Mark Ament
OMG!!! I DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE GOING TO DO "HOT FOR TEACHER!" BUT THEN – BAM! – SECOND ENCORE!
- Nelson Muntz
I saw these guys in '86 when David Lee Roth was the front man and it was a waaaay better show... Then again in '92 with Sammy Hagar... Again it was a waaaaay better show. We had better weed back then too. Now it's all medical grade, put you on your ass type stuff. What happened to taking a little puff and feelin' good? Now I take a hit and I want to sleep for 6 days. Man, I miss the old days. Stay sweet.
– William Torsey
We're totally going to see these guys again! VAN HALEN RULEZ!!! This show was great! If I can get a babysitter for the kids you are totally coming with us! Maybe we can just get one babysitter and the kids can all come over to our house. No excuses! There's a guy that wants to get Aerosmith tickets. You should totally come with us to that one too! Stay sweeeet!!!
– Your BFF Sarah Stevenson
In my dream, I saw these signatures as an opportunity. So I found a pen and started writing. Here's what I wrote before I woke up:
Erica, I didn't have a chance to go to the concert. I stayed home and watched the kids, and I'm not bitter at all. I know that it sucks that Eddie Van Halen died, but please take comfort in the fact that now that he's a ghost, you flash him your tits every time you change your shirt.
- Zach Garcia
P.S. - EVH is not a pervert, so he totally doesn't look when you are changing your chonies. Only your tiddies...